


To Hell and Back

by Bom_Bidi_Bom



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:15:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22224718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bom_Bidi_Bom/pseuds/Bom_Bidi_Bom
Summary: “Please say something,” Alec uttered, his voice shattering the silence of the room despite being a whisper.“What would you like me to say?” Magnus rebutted in what Alec felt was a patronising tone, before continuing with his ministrations.“Anything,” was Alec’s response, his tone almost pleading. “Ask me why I did--”“I know why you did it,” Magnus cut him off. This time his tone was not harsh, just slightly defeated.“Ask me to choose then. How is it that you never asked me to choose you? Above all else? Over anything”After a particularly bad mission, Alec worries about the dangers that come with being a Shadowhunter and how it affects his relationship with Magnus.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1
Kudos: 120





	To Hell and Back

**Author's Note:**

> I had this scene in my head for days and I could not let it go until I wrote it out. When I wrote it out, I thought I knew the direction of this entire conversation, but Magnus and Alec had different ideas. Title comes from the song by Maren Morris from her album GIRL. If you have the time check the song out, its amazing! Hope you enjoy the fic!

Silence; it engulfed the room, overwhelming Alec with its chocking nature. 

He and Magnus were in the kitchen of the apartment, the lamp on the counter next to them the only source of light, illuminating the tension in the room. Alec was atop a bar-stool, shirtless, elbows resting on the counter top, nervously picking at the debris under his fingernails. 

Magnus stood behind him; his height suddenly intimidating and making Alec aware of the heat of Magnus’ chest seeping into his back. Every pluck the warlock made with his skilful fingers to remove the glass shards from his back elevated Alec’s guilt. 

Alec had never really felt guilty about missions before, so this feeling was new to him. Then again, Alec had never been in a committed relationship before where his life as a Shadowhunter could have been a potential issue. All Alec knew was that he was in a committed relationship now and he didn’t want his life as a Shadowhunter to affect his relationship with the warlock. 

Alec decided to speak when the sound of the glass sliver rattling against the container at his elbow become too much for him to bear. “Please say something,” Alec uttered, his voice shattering the silence of the room despite being a whisper. 

“What would you like me to say?” Magnus rebutted in what Alec felt was a patronising tone, before continuing with his ministrations. 

“Anything,” was Alec’s response, his tone almost pleading. “Ask me why I did--”

“I know why you did it,” Magnus cut him off. This time his tone was not harsh, just slightly defeated.

“Ask me to choose then. How is it that you never asked me to choose you? Above all else? Over anything” Alec’s squeezes his fists hard, terrified to know the answer. A part of him knows that this answer could break his heart.

Before Alec could realise Magnus was gripping onto his bare shoulder and gently turning him around to face him. Magnus’ care and tenderness in the aftermath of this only added to Alec’s misery. 

“You would rather I give you an ultimatum? Be a Shadowhunter or be my boyfriend?” Magnus enquired; his tone sympathetic but his question rhetorical. Alec would never want that. He was just scared that Magnus will one day wake up feeling exactly like that. He would realise that Shadowhunters live dangerous lives and more often than not those lives were short-lived. He would decide Alec was too much of a risk. 

The warlock raised his hands to Alec’s face, giving him no choice but to gaze at the swirling green of Magnus’ eyes. “I could never ask you to do that,” his tone emphasizing on the never. 

With that declaration uttered, Alec was met with intense honesty shining in his eyes. Magnus wasn’t afraid to show his fear coupled with his honesty. Alec recognised that look because it was one he had made the first time he felt like he could truly lose Magnus. 

“And you want to know why? Because asking you not to fight for people, not to protect people, especially your sister and your parabatai would be asking you to give up a part of yourself.” The warlock spoke and each word pierced Alec’s heart, easing his worries in a way only Magnus was ever capable of doing. 

“Would I feel better with you not rushing head first into danger with no backup and no plan; most definitely!” And that’s exactly what Alec did. 

Izzy and Jace were in danger, having gone on a mission without informing him. While he was livid at them yet again for not following the rules he was more interested in helping them. It was a greater demon that both shadowhunters could not combat. Alec may have done his part to save Izzy but if it wasn’t for Magnus, Alec would not have even been in his current position. Magnus didn’t just save the day, he saved Alec’s life.

“What’s bothering you Alexander?” Magnus asked in a soothing tone, always patient when Alec was struggling to voice his thoughts. 

“I always reprimand Izzy and Jace for going into missions weapons blazing and I did exactly that tonight. Clary just said it was really bad and I lost all sight of reason. If she hadn’t found you and told you what was going on…” he shook his head at the thought of Magnus not finding him before continuing, “Who knew Clary could be so level-headed?” 

Magnus huffed out a little laugh, “biscuit can always surprise us,” he finished off affectionately. While Alec and Clary aren’t the best of friends they have gotten better at tolerating each other. Magnus and Clary on the other hand have become extremely close. He knows his warlock is exceptionally fond of her. 

He got up from his place on the stool and begun pacing alongside the distance of the island, focusing on what he knew he had to share with Magnus. “My whole life, I always knew that I could die doing this job. As Shadowhunters we’re taught really early about the risks and I had always been okay with knowing that any mission could be my last because I knew the importance of what we do.” Alec spoke, gesturing with his hand to emphasise his words. 

“Tonight, when the demon was about to attack me, I just knew that that was it and for the very first time in my life I wasn’t okay with dying. I didn’t want to die.” He stopped directly in front of Magnus as he said that, the pain in his back a phantom at this point. All Alec cared about was Magnus hearing what he had to say. 

The warlock took his place at the counter, placing the tweezers he was using to rid Alec of glass in the container next to him and fixed his gaze, giving Alec rapt attention. 

“I thought about you. About you finding me there and I know, realistically you’re going to outlive me. I just didn’t want it be now. I kept thinking that we haven’t had any time and I want more time with you. I – I want all the time I can get.” 

Alec heaved a big sigh, giving himself a few seconds before explaining. These thoughts have been swirling inside his head, rattling from corner to corner, desperate to come out. “You asked me what’s bothering me. It bothers me that I feel guilty. I feel guilty about putting my life in danger. Shadowhunters don’t feel guilty. Guilt and fear makes you hesitate and hesitating prevents you from doing your job. How am I going to be the head of an Institute if I doubt going into the field? What does that say about me? What does that say about my leadership skills?” 

Alec felt really affected by the events of the night. Every word he said was true. He was supposed to be a leader, a model to the rest of the shadowhunters in his Institute but all he could think about tonight was not seeing Magnus again. 

“Alexander, I have been alive for a really long time.” Magnus gently took each of Alec’s hands in his grasp as he continued speaking, “I have seen death and destruction and I’ve learned that fear isn’t confined to a single species. Fear is natural. You’re not less of a Shadowhunter because you feared death.” The warlock’s expression was soothing to him, his eyes shining with wisdom that he rarely grants others, inviting Alec into his soul. 

Alec understood what Magnus was telling him. He couldn’t really explain why he was so fixated on this mission; maybe because he shouldn’t be feeling bad. If he hadn’t show up when he did Izzy would have been attacked or worse could have died, and if Magnus hadn’t shown up he definitely would have died. He didn’t necessarily feel bad about going, he felt like he let Magnus down. By choosing to risk his life tonight he betrayed his relationship. 

The last thing Alec wanted to do was hurt Magnus. His boyfriend had been cruelly hurt in the past, often by people he trusted and loved. Alec would do everything in his power to not make that list.

He is interrupted from his thoughts with Magnus’ words, “I wanted to be mad at you tonight. In fact I was mad you but not anymore. When I met you, you were a Shadowhunter. You were also way in the closet” Magnus cocked his head to the side, a little smirk on his face, remembering their start. 

“Magnus,” Alec whined. He was very aware of the beginning of their relationship and his denial about his feelings. He had issues. The important thing was he overcame it. 

Magnus smiled at his tone before continuing, “when I fell in love with you, you were still a Shadowhunter. Tonight, when you ran bow and arrow into danger; it wasn’t just because you were a Shadowhunter. You care Alexander, deeply and I could never be mad at you for that. It’s one of the reasons I am utterly in love with you.” He rose from the barstool to place a tender kiss to Alec’s nose. 

“I want you to be anything you want you be. Just - don’t kill yourself trying to be everything for everyone. It’ll only make things harder and you’ll always find something to be guilty about.” Magnus was right, Alec was always trying to the person everyone needed. It was always the role he was expected to play; the dutiful son, the big brother, the best Shadowhunter, the head of an Institute. He was always expected to be the responsible one, perfect in every sphere of his life. 

“Thank you,” Alec uttered gratefully and sincerely. Confusion flooded the warlock’s features. “For loving me the way I am, for giving me room to embrace my flaws and to fight my demons instead of running from them. You never expect me to change and I love you for that.” They’re both facing each other, Alec’s naked chest brushing against the clothed one of his lover. Alec raises his palm to Magnus’ chest, before closing the distance between them. 

Their lips met, both men pouring their emotions into it, Alec embracing the night and the relief of being able to come home and do this with his lover and Magnus just being grateful that Alec was safe and alive. Their kiss was slow and encapsulating, each getting lost in the feel of the other, before Alec broke the kiss to ask a very simple question, “make-up sex?”

“Make-up sex usually occurs after a fight. We didn’t have a fight tonight,” Magnus reminded him. Alec knows Magnus said so to let Alec know that he was not angry with him.

A mischievous smirk graced his lips before replying, “well you did admit to being angry with me and now you’re not angry anymore …so… technically, we did fight.” 

“I don’t really think that how it works love,” Magnus let out a small laugh in return, smiling at the change in Alec’s mood. Alec may be over discussing his sudden panic over risking his life but he knows he wasn’t over his fear. Right now he did not want to dwell on it anymore and Magnus could tell. Magnus could always pick up on the subtle changes in his mood. Knows when Alec is overwhelmed and needs to take a step back.

“Are you saying no to sex with me?” Alec fires back, feeling slightly better after talking his feelings out.

“I could never say no to you Alexander. Lead the way.” Alec brushed his palm from Magnus’ chest before taking a hold of his hand, “but first, healing rune, then food then sex.” 

“No, that doesn’t sound right,” Alec said, finger on his chin, pretending to be thinking. “How about sex, then healing, and maybe if we have energy, then food. It’s not like we need the food to survive.” Alec finished off, feeling lighter and more at ease. 

Everything wasn’t over, but Alec knew they would be alright. They had time. Alec would make sure they have all the time possible.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it please consider leaving kudos or a comment. Thank you for reading.


End file.
